Kingdom Arms by Robin of Thornwood Calligraphy by Robin of Thornwood Populous Badge by Robin of Thornwood

The Eighteenth Year

Westermark-Lion's Gate War
July 1-4, 1983 (AS XVIII)

Much of the following was published in various issues of The Page (as noted), and attributed to Gerhardt von Nordflammen (most of the following was also published in the Second Folio of Gerhardt von Nordflammen, and Gerhardt retains the copyright to all of the following: © 1984, Lawrence Hyink III -- anything not attributed to anyone else -- i.e., the sonnett from An Tir, or the final page copy that was actually used to get to the site):

From The Page (April, 1983):

We, the assembled progressive workers, peasants and nobles of the great Feudalist Barony of Lionsgate send fraternal greetings to our brothers and sisters to the south.

In order to enhance our common struggle for the great feudal ideal, we would like to propose to you that Comrade Baron Gerhard Kendall, the Polestar of Feudalism, the High and Shining Beacon of Justice for the Progressive Workers, Peasants and Nobles of the North, be elevated to joint and coequal leadership of the Progressive Peoples Feudalist United Front with his great friend and close comrade-in-arms Comrade Baron Catalin di Napoli. By combining the luminous brilliance of these two peerless fighters for Feudalism, surely a light will be created which illuminates the feudal path for all progressive workers, peasants and nobles of the Knowne World and which strikes terror in the dark hearts of the Burghers and all their lickspittles and running dogs.





We, the High Council of the Progressive Peoples Feudalist United Front send comradely greetings to our Northern Brethren.

We read with some surprise that you propose the Comrade Gerhard Kendal, Baron Lionsgate, be made “joint and coequal leader” with Comrade Baron Catalin di Napoli, the Shining Sun of Feudalism, the Ever Brilliant, Iron-Willed Commander, the Respected and Beloved Leader of the 780,000 Westermark people of the Progressive Peoples Feudalist United Front.

Shall the moon outshine the sun?
Shall the pond outweigh the sea?
Shall the dog command the master?

Dear comrades of Lionsgate, give up this mad scheme! Turn your hearts to the wise and true leadership of Comrade Baron Catalin di Napoli who is the sole beacon of leadership for all progressive workers, peasants and nobles in the great struggle for feudalism.





We have received the insolent and mean-spirited reply to our request that Comrade Baron Gerhard Kendal, the Polestar of Feudalism, the High and Shining Beacon of Justice for the Progressive Workers, Peasants and Nobles of the North, share in the leadership of the PPFUF. We can hardly bring ourselves to believe that such phrases as, “Shall the dog command the master?” could have been penned by our purported comrades-in-arms, for such sentiments are only worthy of the warped mind of a degenerate parcel of slaves to the rotten gibberings of Burgherite Combinationalism.

Perhaps the tiny clique of gangsters and warmongering sycophants surrounding that bloated Megalomaniacal buffoon Baron Catalin di Napoli have allowed their unbalanced delusions of omnipotence run away with their infantile, rat-like little minds.

If so, let us inform Messrs. “The High Council of the Progressive Peoples Feudalist United Front” that the struggle for feudalism can do without their doctrinaire personality cult, their nattering dogma, or their puerile so-called leadership.

Under the leadership of the unerring genius of Comrade Baron Gerhardt Kendall, the Polestar of Feudalism, the High and Shining Beacon of Justice for the Progressive Workers, Peasants and Nobles of the North, the progressive workers, peasants and nobles of the north shall march forward to the great feudal ideal, confident that all true fighters for feudalism will rally to the banner of Baron Lionsgate and forsake utterly the reactionary mob of oozing toads which currently passes itself off as the leadership of the PPFUF.

From The Page (May, 1983):


At last the febrile pack of demented splitters and wreckers surrounding the senile lunatic “Baron” Gerhard Kendall have been exposed to the light of day. Now all the Progressive Workers, Peasants and Nobles of the Knowne World can bear witness to this writhing sink of putrescent corruption which has previously masqueraded as progressive feudalism.

For many years rumors have circulated in the Progressive Feudalist movement about the dangerous abuses of the Kendallite ruling clique. Rumors of scribes whipped and beaten into producing scrolls for awards less than five years old, rumors of mothers forced to give their innocent daughters into the hairy, sweat stained paws of André (the Brute) Lessard. Until now we had not believed these rumors ...

But now! Now that the rotten Kendallite Clique has cut loose all moorings of sense and reason and, like a pack of witless rabid skunks, basely attacks those whom they should hold most in loving awe and high esteem. This would seem to be the last grisly step in the grisly degeneration of the corrupt Kendallite gang to a state of little better than baboons and hyaenas!

All right thinking and progressive elements in the Knowne World must utterly reject the Kendallites unprincipled adventurist call for the virtual destruction of the PPFUF and turn instead to the task of demolishing the slavering ringworm of Kendallite comprador deviationalism. With the invincible sword of the leadership of Comrade Baron Catalin di Napoli, the Shining Sun of Feudalism, the Ever-Brilliant, Iron-Willed Commander, the Respected and Beloved Leader of the 780,000 Westermark People, the Progressive Workers, Peasants and Nobles of the world shall march forward to feudalism over the prostrate and reeking carcasses of the Kendallite adventurist mob and all their ameboid minions.

                   Gerhardt von Nordflammen

So, at last the distempered lunatics of the DiNapolite autocratic clique have called upon the diseased brain and poison pen of their pet slander monger: Gerhardt von Nordflimflam. This spineless weasel whose paltry talents are always available for the price of a drunken stupor and a chance to kiss the moldering fingertips of authority, has now turned his deluded venom to the task of creating a set of unspeakable falsehoods and slanders in the service of his imbecilic overlord Catiffsline DiCrapoli.

This putrid scrivener, whose degenerate whims have been the downfall of so many innocent and underage peasant lads and lasses, dared to write a series of incredible falsehoods concerning my family and myself. Surely the Progressive Workers, Peasants, and Nobles of the Knowne World will treat the vile ravings of this besotted lunatic with the contempt that they so richly deserve.

Surely the oppressed peasantry of Westermark, so abused and crushed down by the rotten DiNapoli-Nordflammen-Rexdevia nepotistic clique will soon tire of being reduced to the level of mere slaves and sex toys to this parcel of perverted jackals and will rise up as one to overthrow them and establish a just progressive feudalist rule which recognizes the benevolent preeminence of Comrade Baron Gerhard Kendall, the Polestar of Feudalism, the High and Shining Beacon of Justice For the Progressive Workers, Peasants and Nobles of the North.

                   André Lessard

To thu kendalllite splitters and reckers, espeshuly that sleazebag Andre Lessard!

Whut do you think yur tawking about? I meen yur leter, whuts got awl that bad burgerite slanders about Gearhart and whut sez weer opprest pissants and stuf like that. Yu no whut you dumhed! Yu dont no nuthin thats whut!

Weer not opprest nor nuthin and wee get treated reel gud and lik it heere in Westermark wich is mor than the pissants whut are wippt and beat and maid to eat dog plop in Lie Ons Grate can say. So why dont yu just shut up, huh?

Oh yeah, and whil ime tawking, yu gize hav got thees dejenerate slym mold bums down her spreading rumers and stuf and wher do yu get off, huh? So hers thu answers to them and I hop yur bad clik of burger kin chok on them too!
     1. Yes.
               2. No.
          3. Its mor than even yur big mouth kin handel Kendal!

     Piers Ploughman
     Scretary General, All Westermark Union
     of Oafs, Churls & Villeins

(This was not published in any issue of The Page available to this historian, but was in Gerhardt's Folio as part of the collection ...)

I would like to contribute some small observations on the debate between Lionsgate and Westermark.

In Matthew 4:35, there is, I believe, a pertinent passage: “And lo, the Lord went out among the Baabaaberanerite and spake unto them saying, ‘Be it known unto you that I am the Lord and as my works are made manifest in heaven, so are they made manifest upon the earth e’en unto the flavor of cherry cake which tastes not of cherries but which is e’en so tasty upon the palates of the children of Israel. And know moreover that I am the Lord and that I am with my father in heaven, and with the holy spirit and they with me and that their glory is mine and mine theirs and that the mind of man shall be confounded to sunder them. Now, if you’ll just leave your prayer offerings and live gifts with Luke here.’”

I think that this passage is most illuminating of the controversy we are currently engaged in. For it treats upon implicitly and explicitly the mystery of the Trinity which is manifest in the heavenly and therefore the worldly order. It is an Exordium.

For if the divine person is a multiplicity in unity, so shall the worldly rule be placed in a unity of order directed by a multiplicity of persons and it would be a very anathema, a compendium of heresy to place the reins of worldly power in the hands of a single individual. If we are to truly conform to God’s plan, Comrade Baron Catalin di Napoli must share power with Comrade Baron Gerhard Kendall (and perhaps, if we are to be quite correct, a third person ... perhaps Torgul Bahadur ... it is a matter requiring much reflection and earnest prayer). That Baron di Napoli refuses this course of action must demonstrate to all good souls that the leader of Westermark and all his deluded followers are passing along a path hewn by Satan to lead the unwary into the pit.

All good souls must make it their holy task to cleanse the temple of Progressive Feudalism. Let us gird on the armor of the Lord and march forth in a holy crusade to crush the DiNapoliite heretics and their wicked pronouncements lest the Prince of Darkness overwhelm the people of the Knowne World.

                      Cardinal Woolhead
                      Primate of Lionsgate

(This was not published in any issue of The Page available to this historian, but was in Gerhardt's Folio as part of the collection ...)

The letter of Cardinal Woolhead to the populace of the Knowne World far from illuminating any of the matters currently at issue between Westermark and Lionsgate casts a pall of schismatic heresy, concocted of the most degraded and demonic notions over the debate.

Oh woe that this should be! That our dear brother in Christ, Cardinal Woolhead, should stray so into error is but another demonstration of the extent to which the Beelzebub has ensnared the people of Lionsgate.

For, as it is written in Corinthians 14:73, “And the Lord came unto me and spake saying, ‘Lo, verily, verily, listen up. I am the Lord, thy God. The Big Cheese. The Grand Tomato. The Heavy Zucchini. Where I am, there is room for no other for I am the big O and all others are as dust or corn starch in my glory. Pass this along Paul and tell these bums in Corinth to pay up in full or I’ll ...’”

As anyone who has not the scales of Satan over his eyes can see, the Lord’s will and rule is effected on earth in a uniting manifestation, not a multiple one. While it is true that the Lord’s essence is a trinity in unity, it is the very pinnacle of heresy to suggest that His divine person is a diverse personhood in the sense that created beings are.

Therefore, it is obvious that the reflection and epitome of the divine order on earth lies in the rule of a unitary will embodied in a single individual of supreme wisdom and sanctity, an individual like the blessed Comrade Baron Catalin di Napoli, the Shining Sun of Feudalism, the Ever-Brilliant, the Iron-Willed Commander, the Respected and Beloved Leader of the 780,000 Westermark People, Defender of the Faiths.

I appeal to Cardinal Woolhead and his followers in error to repent the heinous sins and transgressions against the will of our Most Merciful Lord and His church and beg for forgiveness from Him and His instrument upon earth, Comrade Baron Catalin di Napoli. Failing this, I call upon all of our brethren to consider Cardinal Woolhead and his flock to be excommunicate and in the grip of Satan and the Barony of Lionsgate a veritable Sodom and Gomorrah which must feel the cleansing scourge of God’s wrath at the hands of a holy crusade by the PPFUF.

                      Cardinal Haelfwitte
                      Primate of Westermark

From The Page (June, 1983):


You tedious clown;
You are skinny. There is hair in your nose and earwax beneath your fingernails. Your member has a hole in it.

                           Baron Gerhard Kendal of Westmoreland


You specious buffoon;
Your nose dribbles. You mate with barnyard fowl and your socks don’t match.

                           Baron Catalin DiNapoli


You vapid invertebrate;
You smell like cheese and your teeth are loose. You orally stimulate salmon.

                           Baron Gerhard Kendal of Westmoreland


You cretinous placebo;
Your wife has dark matter between her toes. Your son wears codpiece earmuffs. Your daughter sniffs ants. Your momma ...

                           Baron Catalin DiNapoli


My MOMMA! What you say about my MOMMA! YOUR MOMMA...

                           Baron Gerhard Kendal of Westmoreland



                           Baron Catalin DiNapoli


Okay, you rat. This means war!

                           Baron Gerhard Kendal of Westmoreland


OKAY! Meet you out back of Willamete Park in Corvallis on July 2, 3, and 4 with all your guys.

                           Baron Catalin DiNapoli



                           Baron Gerhard Kenda of Westmoreland



                           Baron Catalin DiNapoli

(also in the June, 1983 issue of The Page, a few pages after the above exchange ...)

Unworthy foe whose evil mars our days
Yon Westermark has wounded us with word
Accustomed they to battles fought with plays
But we with steel our revenge have averred
For honour stained cannot be nobly borne
Since Westermark has slurred our overlord
Betide July we'll join one fateful morn
To repay slander with a sharp-edged sword
No matter that they have enticed the West
To aid their rabble in their dire plight
We'll meet them on the field with an Tir's Best
To teach them and their allies how to fight.
Prepare ye Westermark to meet your fate
For challenging the might of Lions Gate.

                            Elspeth Aylena of Alnwick
                            Lions Gate Chatelaine

(This was not published in any issue of The Page available to this historian, but was in Gerhardt's Folio as part of the collection ...)

An Answer to the Lions Gate War Sonnet

Oh the muse must live in Lion’s Gate,
The proofs her poet’s bold invention.
Elsewhere minstrels are more temperate,
Hold to the ancient form’s intention.
But, witness the boldness of this northern bard,
Who’s made a sonnet to the fell arts of Mars,
Put in Cupid in armor, so in like regard,
Lacemakers might pick out their work with hammers.
But here in the Westermark we’re too damned shy
To make chargers with asses and horses.
On matched purposes and form we still rely,
Guiraut sings war, Guiraut makes sirventes.

My Lord! I could write a wedding dirge,
Or fashion you fine funeral jigs,
But wait, I must needs abate my urge,
Stick to the point and take no more digs.
For war draws nigh and that must be my subject
‘Tis better so, for our northern comrades know
Sticks much better than poems. Now don’t object
I ought to know, my Lady will always go
For a proper stick over proper verse,
And she’s from up there, so take it for fact;
That if for rhyme you could do little worse,
In their martial virtues, nothing’s lacked.

For their Baron is a wise old sot,
Much like ours, ready to stand a round.
“It’s on the King!”, he’ll cry, “Have a pot!
“What matter the tax is short a pound?”
But though he’s a rascal, Ares might be green
With envy for his warlike wit and power.
His serried liegemen are like a rainbow seen
When their bright hued banners in blue skies tower,
Underlined by a sharp drawn line of white ...
Right at the waist (they’ve got a lot of knights).
Aye their true art is this display of might,
Rank on fierce rank of battle’s accolytes.

A pity they took on Westermark,
For all their prowess with other foes,
A sponge might sooner vanquish a shark
Than their troops ours when it comes to blows.
In the press we’ll knock that paint-pot panoply
Hither and yon, scatter and splatter their arms
All over the field, dead or on bended knee ...
For there’s nothing that Westermark heart’s so warms
As swords stained crimson with the foeman’s gore
As the bitter-bright clash of wills and steel,
And triumph death while the standards soar
O’er the proud Lion Baron brought to heel.

There’s no music sweeter to our ears
Than the roar and din of fierce fought fight.
And there’s nothing that the heart so cheers
As does riding down a foe in flight.
And friends, what would touch the well-springs of laughter
And bring forth a silvered stream of pure delight,
But a well-aimed blow, a split helm and after,
The dying shriek of a worthy northern knight?
And what spring field strewn o’er with fresh blossom
Stirs us like one sprouting slaughtered foeman?
Scarlet buds opened where the pike toss ‘em,
Aye, that’s what Westermark hearts will gladden.

As in war we will tame the lion,
Make it lick our hands like a lapdog,
Still those that have no chosen to die on
The field where their stream of hope did clog
Congeal and clot in a welter of black blood.
These we shall treat with honor due their courage
And not grind their vanquished muzzles in the mud.
For we disdain to noble foes disparage,
God knows they’re scarce enough to find and fight.
While of the bad there are as many now
As the sky has stars, or Atenveldt knights.
To keep high foes, we must high conduct vow.

And that’s how it shall be, Guiraut avers.
Furor Westermarkus shall make them quail,
And after, mercy all ill-will disperse.
These are my words, our deeds will make them pale.

From The Page (July, 1983):

WAR: LIONS GATE and friends vs WESTERMARK and friends. July 1-4, 1983.

Location: Willamette Park, Coeur du Val (Corvallis, Oregon). On-site autocrat: Sir Garrick the Silent, (contact info omitted).

Schedule: (omitted)

Contests: Body looting (2 person teams), tug-of-war, mace toss, best true war story, best doggeral song or poem about some aspect of the war (maximum of 10 lines), famous Westermark Awards Relay, famous Westermark bitching contest, Journey bread (made elsewhere, brought to war), siege engine (standard projectiles: war legal javelins or tennis balls), bobbing for Greek fire, embroidered or otherwise decorated cap for nightware, map of your home territory, map of war site (done on site), footwear, and best name which breaks heraldic rules.

Site fee: ?

NOTE: Missile weapons including arrows and javelins will be allowed during many of the battles. All bows will be checked and "weighted" to make sure they meet the 30 pound at 28" draw maximum. Bows exceeding this draw weight will have their strings cut. Arrows must have legal 3/4" blunts, be properly wrapped with tape, and measure no more than 28" from base of blunt to nock. Arrows exceeding these dimensions or not meeting these standards adequately will be seized and confiscated. We do not wish a repetition of some events at the recent war.

Helm screening: minimum is 1/4" hardware screening; steel with soldered joints. Perforated screen is recommended, or woven steel screen. All screening must be steel.

Further information: Baron Gerhard Kendal (contact info omitted)

Baron Catalin di Napoli, (contact info omitted).

Description of this event (if any) taken from The Page, or from eyewitness account of at least one person who was there.

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