The Bards of Bedlam Filk Library

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

Lyrics by Colin MacLear(*), Ivone Pons Leyr (&), Leah Raedaelf of Pagham (**)

(To the Tune of: The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything, from Veggie Tales)

Chorus:
We’re the Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything
We just stay home and lie around
And if you ask us to do anything,
We’ll just tell you—we don’t do anything.

* Well, I’ve never been to Lochac and I’ve never been to An Tir
And I’ve never buried treasure in Caid or Avacal
And I’ve never been to Lilies and I’ve never been to Pennsic
And I’ve never been to Midrealm in the fall, ‘cuz…

Chorus

** Now, I never hoist the mainstay and I’ve never swabbed the poopdeck
And I’ve never steered to starboard, ‘cus I’ve never sailed at all
And I’ve never walked the gangplank and I’ve never owned a parrot
And I’ve never been to Midrealm in the fall, ‘cuz…

Chorus

& Well, I’ve never plucked a rooster and I’m not so good at fencing
And I’ve never thrown my day-old haggis up against the wall
And I’ve never kissed a viscount and I’ve never gotten headlice
And I’ve never been to Midrealm in the fall.

*		Huh? What are you talking about? What’s a rooster and day-old haggis got to do with being a pirate?
**		That’s right! We’re supposed to sing about pirate-y things.
&		Oh.
*		And besides, who’s ever kissed a viscount. That’s ridiculous, why even bring it up? Am I right? What do you think?
**		I think you look like Captain Crunch!
*		Huh! Do Not!
**		Do Too!
*		Do Not!
**		You’re making me hungry….
*		That’s it, you’re walking the plank!
**		Says who?
*		Says the captain, that’s who!
**		Oh yeah? Aye-aye, Captain… Crunch! (Giggle)
*		HARGH!
**		Yipe!

(Insert mad chase around and through whoever’s nearby, while next verse begins)

& Well, I’ve never licked a herald and I’ve never washed my gambeson
And I’ve never painted daisies on the Calontir shield wall
And I’ve never bathed in yogurt and I don’t look good in Tudors…

* (ceases chase) You just don’t get it!

All: And we’ve never been to Midrealm in the fall.

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