The Bards of Bedlam Filk Library

Having a Sword From Toledo Guerrido

Lyrics by Kevin Perigrynne

(To the Tune of: Saturday Night In Toledo Ohio)

Version 1:

Having a sword from Toledo Guerrido
Is like having no sword at all.
All through the tourney
How the battles do fly
You go out quite boldly
Then you lay down and die

Ah! Because after the Duke’s blow
The Knight or the Count’s kill
When your squires come to drag you away,
They straighten it out…
From it’s pretzel-like bend
Then you bring it back up
And you go fight again.

Chorus ‘Twas forged by a smith
With a night-school diploma
From tin-cans and alloys unknown
(backing singers)…’loys unknown
And you’re stuck on the field
With your sword from Toledo
You’d be better with bare hands alone           (alternate line – ‘with an ass’s jaw-bone)

You ask how I know about the swords of Toledo?
Well I tried to use one, one day
They have many uses
To dazzle your eyes
When you’re not slicing cheese
You can also cut pies
But let’s not forget that the folks of Toledo
Quite logically also make mail
“No chinks – never sheds”
As a claim it’s the best
But you’re wise to remember…
That they used their swords to test.

So “Live and let live”
This must be their motto
But next time you want some one dead
(Backing singers) –Someone dead
Remember the swords of Toledo
You’d best use a bread-knife instead.

Version 2:

Having a sword from Toledo Guerrido
Is like having no sword at all.
You thrust at the blackguard
His shirt turns your tip
The girl starts to giggle
And the oaf gives you lip
You try fending blows with a basket-hilt pretzel
And hiding your face with your cloak
You can’t draw your dagger
You know by the feel
It’s jammed in the scabbard
‘Cause it’s of the same steel

‘Twas forged by a smith with a grade-school diploma
From tin-cans and alloys unknown
And you are stuck on the streets of Toledo
You’d be better with bare hands alone

You ask why I bought from Toledo?
I’ll tell you the secret – they’re cheap
I hang them on walls
They look quite the rage
They’re cheaper than pictures
And maybe they’ll age
When I go out in my plumed-hat and lace
I need something mean at my side
The sword is also virile
Adds just the right note
And if worse comes to worse
It’s a dandy garrote

The rep of Toledo
Is old and is great
But reps turn too ripe in time.
So here’s to the ripe of Toledo Guerrido
What those smithies will do for a dime.

Note from the bard: Background – while my sword-arm was in a cast I became the herald /narrator for a Riesling shire demo. As I was explaining to the audience why a broadsword was NOT used like a fencing sword one of the young Rieslingers handed me his sword, so I struck the point into the ground to show that it was not made for stabbing… the damn sword was a cheap Toledo-made wall-hanger and the hilt snapped completely off – demonstrating my point I suppose.

Stone of Stonecroft was present at the same event and after seeing my filk (bringing his own Denver Gang-boy POV)came up with this alternate (see "Version 2" above)…

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