Kingdom Arms by Robin of Thornwood Calligraphy by Robin of Thornwood Populous Badge by Robin of Thornwood

Bardic Arts

Submission Impossible

Ivone Pons Leyr

(To the Gilbert and Sullivan tune: "My Name is John Wellington Wells")

My plight is one many have had
I'm a gentle with no arms or badge
But really far worse is this horrible curse
That the heralds say my name is bad.
You may think I make too much ado
But from them rejection is not new
Each time I submit in the mail back I get
A form letter addressed to "Hey, you!"

I've submited Lactose the Intol'rant
And I've tried Apollo Gee
I've tried Peter the Gunn and Heidi Sikh
They tell me that these cannot be.
Saran the Glad's out as is Jade Heir
And Sir Realism has been used.
Victoria the Secret's no secret
and Patty O'Furniture's been much abused.

Maytag the Washer or Gamble the Proctor or
Legal the Tender or Fliegend' Hollaender or
Storm of the Desert or George of the Jungle or
Basil of Fawlty Towers, Clark of Green Gables, Nanook of Namibia ...

I've tried Caia the Urchin and Mister Jay Gatsby and
James Tiberius Kirk, Beamas ap Scotty and
Gawane the Grene Knight, Dominic de Pisa and
Briana of the Misty Green Valleys Where the Unicorns and Pegasi
Graze Together ... in Welsh!

I think that you all will agree
No name causes difficulty
For polite introductions, impromptu seductions
A name comes in quite handily.

I've tried Paul of the House of Usher
And Portia Audi Tudor
And Moonwulf, King of the Swamps
And Eorhl Marshall of Sca
They nixed Morgan of the Faerie
They sat on Forrest Lawn
They hate Hamon Cheese of Sandwich
And Will the Bard Please Sit Down

Peg O'Maihart's out and Paulus Procrastinus
Siege Perilous and Jehovah the Witness
Fallopian Tuber and Mead d'Brewer
and Jonathon Segal, and Snoopy the Beagle, Thor Odinnson Eagle

George Slade the Dragoon and Uther Pendragon or
Ivana Whissel, Theopholus Thistle
Cloussieau the Pink Panther, or Gandy the Dancer
or Shiva Jehovah von Allah (oh God), or Clare de Lune,
Mad Max the Woad Warrior

As you can all plainly well see
I have fought with this most patiently
I've tried name after name, but it's always the same
and I'm stuck being a nobody.
So I'll try one more heralds may gauge
Is a name which is passingly sage
For the heralds find it fitting if you just keep submitting
So for now please call me Reed the Page!

"This song was written after a very silly party which was mixed SCA and mundane, with a large handful of book heralds in attendance. It became almost a party game. It was performed for the Gilbert and Sullivan Filk contest at Ducal Prize that year." -- Ivone Pons Leyr

Copyright © Yvonne K. Reynolds

[Bardic Arts Page]     [Main Web Page for the History]     [Who's Who]

The West Kingdom History Website was created by and is maintained by Hirsch von Henford (mka Ken Mayer).