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Bardic Arts

Eau d'Eggplant

Ivone Pons Leyr

Prurient loathesome purple, a mockery of imperial hue

Or else a gruesome green, paler than any grass that grew

Cruel bloodless flesh, greyer and more cold than any corpse

Execrable eggplant shall not adorn my plate in any course

Of springtime silage it smells, that gelid flaccid mass

Ripe cheese nor smokéd ham can camoflage this foul morass

Not for ox nor horse is it fit, nor feral dog so rash

A goat will grimace in distaste and eagerly return to trash

A Scotsman into his haggis would never force this fruit

Saxons to serve with boiled sheep brains prefer a sauteed boot

No true Italian’s soup of tripe will eggplant e’er improve

This vile vegetable from Hell, refused at each remove

Like a pebble dull and rough when next to smoothest Jade

How putrid seemeth eggplant when next to red meat laid.


"First, you should understand that King Jade does not like eggplant. He detests it with such passion it never touches His plate. At Rowany Festival this year in Lochac, I attended a feast in a period encampment along with Their Majesties Uther and Portia. At Her Majesty's request, I performed a period Spanish poem relating the virtues of a woman, smoked ham, and eggplant in melted cheese (during which the narrator cannot determine which is the greater of his loves, they are all so wonderful). His Royal Highness Jade actively sought to keep me from performing the piece, as He dislikes eggplant so. When reminded that Her Majesty had expressly requested that piece, He declared no one would perform an eggplant piece while He was king. I suggested perhaps an anti-eggplant piece, and He agreed this would be lovely. I then duly promised Him such as His Coronation piece, at which point He stared at me, mouth open, finally said ... "And all of You had better be listening!" and quieted down so I could perform at Her Majesty's request. Their Royal Highnesses did renegotiate the piece for later performance (wanting something a little different for Their step-up), but this is the piece that came out of that night's repartee.

Secondly, though I get credit for the piece, Duke Frederick of Holland and Branwyn Cryccthegn Deorcwuda were just as instrumental in writing this as were several other bards. Many of the ... um ... strongest ... images came from their minds, not mine. I just synthesized) The Mists Bardic college spent not less than an hour tearing it apart line by line and making it even more memorable. And yes, His Majesty enjoyed it." -- Ivone Pons Leyr

Copyright ©2002 Yvonne K. Reynolds


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