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Bardic Arts

There Is a Girl From My Barony
Gerhardt von Nordflammen

There is a girl from my Barony,
Right here in the Kingdom of the West
Who one summer’s day rejected three
High born nobles (and I do mean pests).
Now she’s not a virgin, no not she
Still she won’t sleep with one she detests.
But ladies know how it can be:
There’s many a swine who longs to nest
Like an eagle.

The first to approach her was a Duke.
And he ... well at last his gut’s well hung.
He praised her eyes and face, but some fluke,
Glued his eyes quite firmly on her lungs.
“Crushed to death by lard,” thought she, “Oh puke!
“I’ll have to take him down a couple rungs.”
So she sang her age as a rebuke.
He heard and he hollered as though stung,
“She’s illegal!”

Next she was accosted by a knight
Who said, “Come fair maid, let’s turn the trick.
“Oh my sword shall make for your delight.”
She said, “Good sir, do you see this stick?
“‘Tis longer, harder, and suits me quite
“Your sword is short and not near so thick
“This wood will last through many a night.
“So prod your wife, bang your sheep or prick,
“Your bitch beagle!”

Last came a Laurel and they’re the worst.
Dull conceited louts that stick like glue.
Right off he grabs her, shouts, “I’m well versed,
“In pleasing fair ladies through and through.”
Well our lass said ‘No’ and struggled first,
Then said, “Look my Lord, I’ll tell you true,
“I’m Westermark, take me and you’ll be reversed.
“All my friends will see that you’re just too,”
“Queenly regal!”

Three up, three down, there’s a lesson here I trust.
Nobles (and ig-nobles) should contain their lust.
For he’ll get naught who lady fair abuses
She’ll pass up pricks and pick the prick she chooses.

In the Pastourella style -- "A song about an encounter between a simple and virtuous woman of the people with a lecherous member of the upper classes." -- GvN
Guiraut is Gerhardt's "alter-ego", this is from a series of poems Gerhardt published in his second folio.
© 1984, Lawrence Hyink III

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