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Bardic Arts

The Kingdom of The South
by
Catherine de Gray
May, Spring 2002 (A.S. XXXVII)

There is a Kingdom not far away, not too different from our own,
They gotta lot of courtesy and hospitality from “down home”,
So I’m here to tell ya neighbours so you can all find out,
Just what it is to be at Court in the Kingdom of the South.
The populace all gathered there, waiting for Court to start,
In their polyester feast-wear and their tattooed works of art,
Queen Fifi passed the peach-tree schnapps as they slowly processed in,
And King Elvis did cry “Oyez! Y’all git yer butts within!”
With a chaw can in his white belt and a buckle that said, “Bud”,
He wore chain mail made of pull-tabs and jackboots covered in mud,
And Fifi looked so purty with her bouffant fluffed so high,
And her duct-taped parasol so dainty it just made ya wanna cry.
First in Court was a messenger, an Ambassador from the North
And they made him feel right welcome as he slowly sauntered forth.
He’d come to invite them all to war (it was a “civil” affair),
And the knights all smiled grimly as he quickly took his chair.
Next up came the Autocrat with an announcement for the throng
She said they were outta T.P. in the outhouses behind the barn,
But she told ‘em all not to worry their pretty little heads
As the obvious solution was to use myrtle leaves instead.
A gift from the Shire of Swimming Pigs (most famous for pickled feet)
And then the Province of Possum Butt (in a swamp there ain’t much to eat),
The presentations wrapped up with the Barony of Bud
With fresh frog legs for everyone, home grown in prize-winning mud.
A sonatina from Jeannie Redbush earned her a Kudzu Leaf award,
For her craft and skill in thatching and her skills as a Cajun bard.
And Lady Trixiebelle Lula was made a Pelikan member too,
For service with her Aqua-Net on Queen Fifi’s bouffant hairdo.
Beavis of Dalmatia was made into a knight,
His belt of white tanned snakeskin made him look just right,
Someone did a “period” dance (it looked like Electric Slide)
And someone displayed a nifty parchment made of thin-stretched gator hide.
There was a demonstration of a medieval yodelling song,
And an example of period medicines with the uses of fresh frog spawn.
Someone announced a demo asking one and all
To the grand opening of a Piggly Wiggly on the corner next to the mall.
King Elvis had his mug refilled with the “finest grains and hops”
As the Ladies of the Magnolia poured mint julep in their cups.
Queen Fifi gave samples of huckleberry preserves she done put up herself,
Some okra pickles and canned tomaters fresh from the cellar shelf.
The Court was starting to wind down as the supper hour drew close
There was gonna be a feast soon with the Royalty as hosts,
With lots of crawfish etoufeé and gator gumbo too,
Not to mention possum subtleties and nutria swamp-rat stew.
And so they ended up their Court as they always done.
With a hearty three “Yee-haws!” and a heck of a lot of fun.
Bard Bubba of Pangaea came forth and from his lips came out… EVERYONE
“The words are sweet within my mouth, I’m from the Kingdom of the South!”


"Written for the Bard of Cynagua contest (subject comedy)." -- Catherine de Gray


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